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The Ultimate Ultimatum

May 8th, 2015 at 05:27 am

This may not be the most popular decision, but I'll do my best to explain what has just happened. I added a 7k consolidation loan to my list of debts. Anyone who's been following my story should be aware of the money suck that is my mother and the constant struggle between setting myself up for success and bailing her out for her failures. Apparently, she opened one of those solicitations with a ridiculous front-loaded interest rate. She asked me to apply for it, so that she could be rid of the payday and pawn shop loans. Now, she's done this before, so my immediate reaction was no. However, she seems slightly different now. So I decided to use this as final ultimatum to her. I went with Navy Federal since they seem to be pretty fair with their loans and the interest isn't front loaded, so if she pays more/quicker, she'll pay less interest. The stipulations are that she pays the loan back with set-up autopay of her account and she signs a written agreement that IF she ever takes another payday loan or pawns anything else, I have ZERO future finanacial obligations to her despite all her 'we're family/I'm trying to clean up my credit for a new job' guilt trips. I also get the jewelry she takes out since it's technically supposed to go to me. I realize that if she messes up yet again, I'll be on the hook for it, but I'm also okay with that giving this will be the last time I ever feel obligated to her.

Happy Mother's Day to her, I guess...

10 Responses to “The Ultimate Ultimatum”

  1. CB in the City Says:

    I'm so sorry. I know what it is like to have an irresponsible family member, and the constant fear you have that this time she will really crash and burn. You have to do what your heart says. I hope she will turn over a new leaf.

  2. Debt-free by Thir-ty Says:

    I'm actually hoping this time she really is different. She's trying really hard to move into a better job, but given that she's older, it's really difficult for her to even get interviews. I do feel for her as I believe she started way too late to focus on herself and her goals (which is why I'm so determined to do it now). She does have a check coming in soon that she plans to use to kickstart paying the loan down. I guess whether that happens will be a big indicator in how this is going to go. I will also say that she currently has another loan that she's paying down in my name and she has been really good about that (the last part of that loan, plus the pawn shop and payday loans) are all rolled into one $200 payment with this loan.

  3. creditcardfree Says:

    I hope it works out for both of you. I'm glad you see that helping her over and over isn't helping. How long is the loan for?

  4. ceejay74 Says:

    I'm so sorry! But, if you stick to your guns, $7K may be a fairly cheap price to pay to get out from under your mom's guilt-tripping and money-sucking.

  5. Debt-free by Thir-ty Says:

    CCF, it's 4 years. I'm hoping she'll pay it sooner since I will be past 30 by that point, but if she's paying it consistently and even ahead, then I'd probably be fine with her going past my own personal goal since it's only mine in technicality, not spirit.

    Ceejay, I'm definitely sticking to my guns. Anyone who overheard that conversation would have thought I was the mother with how firm I was. I'm just tired of feeling guilty enough to bail her out and then frustrated afterwards for not sticking up for myself, SO, and our future.

  6. Jenn Says:

    Yikes. If you'd had the $ in an EF, it'd been tough but at least it wouldn't have moved you farther from your goal if she hadn't paid you back.

  7. VS_ozgirl Says:

    Debt free this could very well be the last time you help her out, given your age and your relationship - if it happens later on down the track, your life with SO could be very different and much more established (possibly marriage, kids etc), so assisting her won't be an option. If you are getting married, your money will be tied up there. If you and SO decide to buy a property, your money will be tied up in saving for it. If you and SO buy the property, your money will be tied up there. Keep reiterating that you are happy to help but can't do it anymore, and you want more than anything for her to be ok standing on her own two feet.

  8. PatientSaver Says:

    I hope it works out, for your sake. But if it doesn't, I would spend less time considering the inevitable next request and whether she's sincere, and more time on learning how to say no, end of conversation. Some people never learn and it's not your responsibility to bail her out again. You have your own financial future to worry about. Parent should be role models to their children.

  9. snafu Says:

    The situation is so difficult for both you and your mom and change gets more difficult with age and habit. If not loan default the guilt card is played for funds to travel to the Philippines or some other unplanned event. How do you feel about your role as family banker? What are SO's views about the regular drain on your income from family? Most of us don't understand your being drawn in over and over and over...

    Mom's spending remains unrelated to her income and she displays no understanding of the difference between 'needs' and 'wants.' I had the impression that she soothes herself with 'retail therapy.' Sees something is likes and buys it for the momentary satisfaction. I suggest you help mom sell some of her excess on local Facebook sell page, CraigsList or free sites by showing her how to display, photo and write an ad or copy wording from other sellers. While it doesn't pay much, sending clothes, handbags and shoes that she no longer wears to consignment helps her focus.

  10. rob62521 Says:

    I hope this works out. You are a good daughter for trying to help, but don't let yourself be a martyr. Glad you have made some stipulations.

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