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Frustrations

June 30th, 2014 at 05:29 am

Remember this? Well, she's just done it again. Some sob story about paying the little brother's rent and now being short on both the car and electricity. Yada, yada, yada. I know I shouldn't complain after all she's sacrificed for me growing up, but it's just frustrating that I'm trying so hard to not end up like her, and she keeps bringing me down. Supposedly, her sister is loaning her enough money to take all the stuff out of the pawn shop because 'that's money I could have used for these bills', but she says that and then a month later when she falls short, she throws her stuff right back in. It's a really toxic cycle that I want to avoid at all costs.

In other news, I've been thinking a lot about the moving fund/paying my car off/Vegas savings debate. I think over the next few months, I'm going to drop my car to the minimum per paycheck and make two full minimum payments/month. All else will go to the moving fund minus what I already planned to put away for Vegas. As soon as my moving fund hits 3k (should be right around September), I'll go back to my car.

My new goals for the remainder of 2014 are:
- Replenish 1k Emergency Fund
- Moving Fund - 3k
- Car - Paid off
- No additional accrual of credit card debt

6 Responses to “Frustrations”

  1. creditcardfree Says:

    I think you have a good plan. The move is the storm on the horizon that does need to be addressed rather than ignored.

    You will get where you need to go faster if you can be strong and say no to your mother. Personally, as a mother, I would be proud of you for taking care of yourself and would not my issues to derail you. If you are going to help, only offer what you feel is extra and if it is only $20 then that is all you offer. Do not take money from your goals...especially this new moving fund!!

  2. debt-free by thir-ty Says:

    CCF, thanks for the encouragement. It's hard to say no which is what I try to tell myself when she doesn't tell my brothers no and then it comes to me. Whenever I do help, it comes out of my debt payments, so they're just smaller than I planned which pushes back my goals. Granted, I'm still in a much better position than a year ago. It's just that now that I'm seeing progress, I get frustrated when it gets halted on the count of having to bail my family out.

    The moving fund will be totally safe. I don't even touch the emergency fund when I help her because that's meant for my emergencies.

  3. snafu Says:

    Fact, the more you give, the more you're asked to give. Your mom has manipulated you to fulfil her desire to go to Las Vegas which morphed into including brothers in spite of younger contributing zilch. As a student he needs to find jobs, scrambling to earn over the summer but mom's got it backwards. Sorry to be blunt but you make plans, you set goals, you know the reality of what interest is costing you, importance of an E Fund, need for moving costs etc. and the actuality is treating brothers to a trip none of you planned. You're working to make profit for the pawn shop! Whaaat!

    Perhaps it's time for role reversal. Mom needs an Intervention. Will brother and anyone she respects help you read the riot act? Just when does she plan to have her chronological age meet being a mature, responsible for her decisions, adult? How about putting herself on a belt tightening Budget with no impulse buying until she can pay her basic living expenses. Sale items aren't savings or fun when they take away the ability to pay utilities. She needs to make a change like hold a yard sale and sell as much as possible. Yeah, usually pennies on the dollar but once spent, money is not retrievable.

    At the very least, I hope you decline to create profit for Pawn Shops.

  4. ceejay74 Says:

    I understand your frustration. My partner's mom is a financial mess, and every once in a while she hits us up for money. For a while we just really couldn't give her anything because we were always broke, but she managed to cause chaos anyhow (not filing federal returns = my partner being ineligible for federal student aid for a while = me taking out unsecured high-interest loans to pay for her college; taking out and defaulting on an auto loan with my partner's social security # without her knowledge = trouble getting approved for our first mortgage).

    A few years ago she asked for $2500 to help with various things including getting a divorce. We were more stable financially and my partner approved of the divorce, so we "loaned" the $2500. I viewed it as a gift even though the mom swore she'd pay it back, and I'm glad I did -- we haven't seen a penny of it. I told my partner if her mom didn't pay us back, this would be the only "loan" she'd ever get from us, but that if she did pay it back I'd consider it an escrow account that she could borrow from again. Well, she made it easy by not paying any of it back.

    A few months ago she started bringing up the possibility of moving to our city -- not asking us what we thought of it, just telling us that she was trying to get a job in our city so she could move there. She even said that when her sister asked what would happen if she had a health crisis or some other problem in the new city, she told her we would take care of her. Not asking us if we wanted this responsibility, just telling us! Finally my partner called her and used some subtle manipulation to convince her not to move out here. I was terrified at the prospect of having her closer to us and hence feel more entitled to making us help her out financially!

    Lest I sound like a monster, it would be a different thing if she were frugal and tried her best to save and THEN had some crisis hit where she needed money. It's the fact that she's careless and terrible with money and that's why she needs help. Feels like throwing our own well-managed money down a sinkhole.

  5. debt-free by thir-ty Says:

    Snafu, don't apologize at all! I think blunt and a reason to cut her off is what I'm looking for. It's just this never-ending cycle, and I understand that she just doesn't make enough, but truth is, if she were just supporting herself, she'd be fine. Last time I was home, she was running inventory on all the junk she has (4 flat screens and an old tube TV; multiple vacuums and kitchen appliances; clothes and shoes galore (most of which go unworn). I've told her I'm just going to host a yard sale for her and she'd be much better off, but her thought is she stockpiles the junk for the day when we all eventually leave the nest, so she has stuff to give us to start out. While it's a nice gesture, neither brother has much incentive to live on their own when she always bails them out. I've long since decided that when care for my brothers falls to me (which it inevitably will at some point) that I'm definitely going the tough love route. 6 months and if you're not contributing by that point, you're on your own. Honestly, the reason my mom won't do that is because when we all move away, she'd be lonely.

    Ceejay, I definitely relate to your story and am so glad I'm not the only one who experiences this. I do believe that some of my mom's problems come from not making enough. (I still to this day can't believe she ever supported the 4 of us on 25k/yr.) But I also think a lot of it could be prevented if she were a little more careful/discerning about where her money goes.

  6. LivingAlmostLarge Says:

    It happens a lot. I can't say part of it really is culture. Expectation that your children will take care of you. That the retirement plan is move in with your children when you get old, so why bother saving. After all they owe you since you paid for college and helped them (ie helped watch kids, house down payment, car, etc).

    I'm not justifying it just explaining the mentality. IT's a tough thing to break.

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