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Relationship at Risk

August 3rd, 2015 at 04:46 am

I'm a little bummed. My mom and I's relationship may be permanently fractured, and it's upsetting. She ended up in a situation where she needed money, yet again. While this time seems legit, I've learned that loaning her money means I have to give it to her with no expectation of getting it back. Unfortunately, this time, I need the money back as DF and I are mostly financing our own wedding. I told her I'd give it to her, but she had to sign a promissory note. She got really offended, made a comment about how we never signed one when she raised us, and told me not to worry about it.

A part of me is relieved because I'm not entirely sure we'd have ever seen that money again, but another part of me is seriously worried about the effect this will have on our relationship. I truly love my mom, and if I had all the money in the world, I'd give it to her in a heartbeat even knowing how bad she is with money. But the reality is that DF and I are about to start a life together and since I never, ever want to put my children in the position my mom has put me in time and again, I need to take care of myself first. It's a really hard realization, but I'm finally getting it.

In other news, I just realized that I'm older than I thought. I kept thinking I was turning 28 this year, but I actually turn 29. This news was super depressing as there's no way I can pay off all my debt by 30. If I focus, and I mean FOCUS!, then I could potentially have all consumer debt paid off including the wedding, so that will be my new goal.

8 Responses to “Relationship at Risk”

  1. creditcardfree Says:

    I'm sure it's hard telling your mom no, but I think you are doing the right thing. There may be a time in the future when you can help her again. And you crack me up that you forgot how old you were...it's happened to me though so I get it!

  2. ceejay74 Says:

    I understand. My partner AS's mom is always hard-up, so AS likes to loan her money when we can. But since we've never seen a penny paid back, we can't do it unless we know we can do without that chunk of money.

    It seems harsh to you (and your mom, of course), but you're absolutely right that if you're going to break the cycle and not depend on your kids, you need to take care of yourself first. I'm proud of you because you did say the last time was the last time, and you're sticking to it!

  3. CB in the City Says:

    This is so hard to do, but really, if someone keeps getting into financial trouble over and over again, and doesn't pay back loans, how can she be trusted? How can she imagine that she will be trusted? And why doesn't she try to change? I know there is love between you, as there should be, but on some level she is using you and not owning up to it.

  4. Ima saver Says:

    I agree, you are doing the right thing. I have a BIL who is terrible with money (his wife too) They make good money, but owe everyone. They can't even pay their own house taxes which are only $1000. Who is FIL leaving everything to? Why the BIL of course, cause he "needs" the money! He will just waste it all. He just returned from a 10 day unpaid vacation to Canada (he "deserves " it) but his bills are all unpaid. Giving (or lending) money to people that can't handle it, is not a good thing.

  5. Butterscotch Says:

    Im so glad youre not lending her the money. Doesn't she already have a loan out that you cosigned on? I really hope her money management doesn't prevent her from making those payments and then the debt fall back onto you as the cosigner. Unless I am remember this wrong...
    If she is needing to borrow money again how will she be able to afford the Vegas trip? I know a lot of things will be free, but surely there is a need to have spending money. Good luck, I hope she doesn't hold it against you. But if she does that says more about her than it does about you.

  6. MonkeyMama Says:

    Good for you, for sticking to your guns. It is so true that you just bail out your mom you are just going to pay that forward to your own kids.

    I am astounded by how many of my peers financially support their parents. Just a sign of the times. I know you have a unique cultural aspect to it, but this is also clearly the sandwich generation for many Americans.

  7. snafu Says:

    I too am proud of you pulling on' your big girl pants' and saying 'no' as kindly as possible. You've been what is often of called an 'enabler,' allowing your mom to spend when a responsible adult would have stopped buying 'wants' until the 'needs' have been paid. Your mom has a history of a juvenile having to buy an un needed item because it was sale priced, oh so pretty, something she's desired for some time or just to be enjoyed.

    She choses to forget the rent and utilities must be paid, she's running out of time at the pawn shop, the car tags and insurance are due or someone else is pressing her for repayment. I suggest your mom list 5 - 10 items on Facebook sale page each week and get even a few cents return on already spent money. Every time she asks for money yet again, change the request to a question - what did you sell? She would benefit from realizing how little her shoes and stuff is worth in the re-sale market. Another way of handling such a difficult problem is to offer to make her a meatloaf as her spending is out-of control. A meatloaf offers a tangible dinner.

    Can you talk to your priest, ask for advice or help for your mom. She needs help, there is too much potential to wreck your upcoming ceremony.

  8. Tabs Says:

    Just chiming in that you're making the right choice. It's not the easy choice, but it's the right choice.

    Next time, just say no. Hopefully though, there will not be a next time.

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